By: David and Nancy Goodman

Marriage isn’t just the union of two individuals—it’s the establishment of a new kingdom where God stands as the highest authority. When we enter into marriage, we inevitably bring with us “invisible chairs”—the influences, values, and even relationships from our past lives. These can include our parents, grandparents, siblings, or even employers. But God reminds us that while these influences may have shaped us, the design for our marriage is divinely orchestrated.

Who Sits in the Invisible Chairs?

Consider the metaphor: in every marriage, there are invisible chairs filled by the voices and influences from our families of origin. These “chairs” remind us of where we come from, yet they can also tug at our new relationship if not managed well. The key is to acknowledge these influences, honor them, but never let them override the clear command that God’s Word gives about marriage. God’s design sets a boundary—He is the ultimate authority on marriage and family.

God as the Ultimate Mentor

In Genesis 2:19, we read that God brought the animals to Adam so he could name them. This was not just a demonstration of dominion but also an act of divine mentorship. God recognized a gap in Adam’s life—a lack of a suitable mentor—and He stepped in to guide him. In our marriages, too, we must recognize that the perfect mentor is God Himself. His principles and commands shape how we lead, love, and build our family, reminding us that any human influence must always be aligned with His word.

God’s Command to Lead: Leaving and Cleaving

In Genesis 2:24, God sets the blueprint:

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

This command is multifaceted:

  • Leaving: It means to forsake and, in a sense, to cut the strings of undue dependence on our family of origin. However, this doesn’t mean disrespect; rather, it’s a call to create a new, distinct family unit where the marital bond is primary.
  • Cleaving: Conversely, cleaving means to stick together, to become so intertwined that you grow together. It’s a dynamic and ongoing process where each spouse supports the other, taking up strengths and compensating for weaknesses.

Jesus reaffirms this teaching in Matthew 19:4-6, emphasizing that once God joins a man and woman, they become one flesh—an indissoluble union designed to reflect His love and unity.

Sacrificial Love and Understanding Your Spouse

God commands us to love our spouses sacrificially. This isn’t merely about surface-level affection but involves an intimate understanding of who your spouse is. Ask yourself:

  • What do you love?
  • What do you like?
  • What nurtures your heart, mind, and soul?
  • What makes you smile or laugh?
  • What makes you cry?
  • What depletes you?
  • What is hard or easy for you?

By knowing these nuances, you position yourself to minister to your spouse in ways that no one else can. This sacrificial love is the glue that binds the marriage—when both partners intentionally grow together, they become a formidable force against any external threat.

Battling Together and Breaking Generational Patterns

Marriage isn’t without challenges. There are internal and external threats that can erode the foundation of even the strongest unions. By identifying these threats early and “battling in full armor” (Ephesians 6:10-18), couples can safeguard their relationship. In doing so, they not only strengthen their bond but also prevent the sins and mistakes of previous generations from being repeated. The truth is, the sins of the father can flow into generations, but through God’s guidance, we have the opportunity to break these cycles and establish a legacy rooted in love, sacrifice, and unity.

Conclusion

Building a solid foundation for marriage and family is a divine mandate. It requires a delicate balance of acknowledging past influences while prioritizing God’s highest authority. It involves stepping into a role of leadership—leaving behind what hinders and cleaving to what builds. Above all, it calls for sacrificial love, an intimate understanding of each other, and a commitment to grow together in every season of life. By aligning our marriages with these timeless truths, we honor God’s design and set the stage for a lasting legacy that impacts generations.